Dear Fat, Goodbye…I am Going on a Diet

Dear Fat,

Avocado, Butternut Squash, Mackerel stir-fried Eggplant and Batata

Avocado, Butternut Squash, Mackerel stir-fried Eggplant and Batata

I am saying Goodbye starting immediately. I do not need you! I have never needed you! I am going on a Diet.

Before you say,

1) What do you wanna lose, bones?

Well, what the scale and my eyes see, don’t lie.

2) But you look great just the way you are!

That’s your opinion, which [or not so fit] of my clothes lets me feel and know otherwise.

3) But diets don’t work!

Again, so you think! It has worked for me before! And I am gonna do what I know best.

Yes, I have dieted before, and my kind of dieting helps get me back into my comfortable body shape, and healthy mind and soul.

Then again, “Why I am making a public statement about my dieting to lose weight?” you may ask.

Perhaps then, I will be accountable to not just myself, but the watching public. I will probably not go vainly, posting every inch I lose onto Instagram. But at the back of my head, in my face and mouth, I will remember there is a world out there watching me, and waiting to see those 12 pounds drop off one after the other.  Plus, nobody I encounter is not gonna make me eat, knowing I am on a diet.

You see, I am a social eater; I eat because others are eating, and because I do not want to throw away food, “It is not good for the environment or a humane caring society”…[ blah blah blah].

Once I told my son, “You have to eat all your food because there are plenty of people in the world without food.” His response, “If they do not have food, give them mine.”

I wish it was that easy, son….I wish it was that easy!

Tuna salad with all veggies

Tuna salad with all veggies

Instead, I am the depository of everyone else’s food. I eat because I have to feed Child of Mine. I eat when others offer me food, even when I am not hungry. I eat because the kids I am feeding do not eat all their food, and I do not want it thrown in the garbage. Then I eat perhaps because I am worried the food will go bad, if it is not consumed in an ample period [a week for leftovers is too much!]

Even though I typically cook for one child, I have the tendency to make more than one meal. But COM does not usually want to eat the same food the day after, unless of course it is his special treat….one of those specials like Mac & Cheese, “the yummy peanut stew and white stuff”, or our newly-found Malanga Coco. How he loves that! How scared I am to make them now, when I am fasting!

But give him ‘shrooms’ or onions or stuff like that, and I will have to wipe his plate clean, in my spirit of “saving the planet.” And since I do not want to force all of my eating preferences on COM, sometimes I buy him some “special treats”, like honey to drop in his tea, Mac & Cheese, Icy’s, Hot Dogs, and waffles. Once in a while a slice of pizza!

I am not a bread person, though I may partake of a waffle or my homemade pancakes. And, may I dare say, tempt a slice of pizza, to ‘hang with him’!

Interestingly, all these foods used to be “no-go” for me, back when life was still about me, and I kept a very vegetable and fruits diet! I now console myself that, “They are all “O”rganic, certified NON GMO, or gluten-free and vegetarian! But calories don’t lie!Biko's special treats

And calories really loved me, especially in the summer when I have more than one mouth to feed While many bodies are “bikini-” and “beach-ready”, mine is a fat suit! COM’s cousins usually come over and spend the entire summer with us. So, I cook for the clan, around the clock, feeding them, and partake [un] willingly and uncontrollably.

I make popcorn, and eat with the kids, cut watermelon, and eat with the kids, make hotdogs, and tempt myself to eat half or one, with the kids. Snack, lunch and dinner for the kids with the kids.

Made with our very own popper

Made with our very own popper

Moreover, I take on the responsibility of “wiping the plates clean” of all the kids’ unfinished food. My tongue enjoys it all, but my body suffers tremendously. While my children are happy that I saved them of their food, my gut keeps shifting outward [I can feel it], as my soul shifts into sadness. Alas!

I am now saying, no more, no more no more! I know it is hard, very hard to say no, and stay on a diet while the central feature in the kitchen! Trust me, I have tried a couple of times, then retreated to “happy eating”.

It was much easier when I was single, without Child of Mine. Now I have a constant mouth to feed and have meals with.

And how can I make meals and not taste the food for the spice, the temperature, or if it is [under]cooked? I am a real Muganda; my eyes are in my mouth [Is that the saying…?:)…].

I have been officially certified as the best chef in the world, by my household. I turn simple ingredients into magical meals! All the works of my hand taste golden in the consuming mouths. I am the one to beat, when it comes to cooking from scratch. Name anything, I’ll hook you up.

So here I am, on Day One. Watching, as COM eats the corn I just popped. Our favorite snack! But I cannot have any of it. He even tried to share with me his fruit pop, but I had to tell him that I am on diet.

Then, I had to make him dinner, with my favorite ingredients, mushrooms, purple onion, scallions and garlic. Oh I am so hungry! But I had to keep drinking the water, with lemon and ginger.

All I consumed was my lemon and ginger water, Lemon and Ginger Water…and More Lemon and Ginger Water. Ok, it’s about time I went to bed…If I can fall asleep!

To the rescue, when in a rush

To the rescue, when in a rush

This first week, I am just gonna do water, lemon and ginger. Next week, I will start on the Master Cleanse. Yes! It worked for me when I did it…I was single..But I like it, because it is a cleanse-dieting, that drains out all the crappy foods from the system.

I have been abusing my body for a while; I need to put my act together. Strategically now, after running my last marathon of the year, when I do not have to consume extra calories to fuel my body. I don’t care that winter is coming, I will fuel it with a large coat! Don’t need the extra energy now, though I will keep exercising.

Master Cleanse, here we come! The Cayenne Pepper, Lemons, Maple Syrup Grade B, and water, will get a little sugar injected into the system for energy, Cleaner than consuming water, lemon and honey. Add to that, the “sea salt flush” every morning, the extra cleanser of impurities from the system.

So, watch me as I go 12 pounds down!

And I will finally happily say,

Adios!

Main ingredients are Sorghum  and potato flour

Main ingredients are Sorghum and potato flour

We call this "Lumonde" in Uganda. Special Treat

We call this “Lumonde” in Uganda. Special Treat

Homemade Apple Sauce with apples from our neighbor

Homemade Apple Sauce with apples from our neighbor

Runner’s Guilt

I am a runner, who tends to stick to a schedule, mental or written. Guilt engulfs me each time I do not run as scheduled [again mental or written schedule]. In fact, most of my schedule is mental.
I love running, because it is part of me. No! I do not run to lose weight [as I have been asked by several]; I run because I like it, to freshen up, to think, dream and plan, and I run to reclaim my happiness. I feel terrible when I do not go out to run. I feel like plenty of my time is wasted away, and robbed of me! I am not a happy camper when I do not run. Especially when my excuse is awfully ‘unthere’!
Like this past Sunday! That I continued to lay in bed, wide awake, at the time I usually go out to run! Excuse? I made myself busy working, when I should have put in at least an hour of a run.
I want to cry myself to sleep, for missing my morning run. Weekends are kind of tricky because i am a full-time mother till bedtime. From time to time, I have morning ‘baby watch-over’, like this Sunday. Moreover, the weather was beautiful! That would have been a beautiful run, but I did not make it happen.
I thought I would go out later in the day, when child was off to “play-date”. That did not happen, either. Child was so slow with his chores, mummy school and school homework, that we did not even have a chance to go out for a walk. I am still seated here supervising his mom-school assignment. Literally three hours later! How can this be? Talking, procrastinating, nagging and tantrums all add up to accumulate more minutes.
Trouble is, each time I miss a run, I spend more time procrastinating and beating myself up, than doing great work. Now let’s see what it’s gonna be like tomorrow. Whether I will be able to go out in the freezing rain to put in a run. Probably not, again! Sadly! School might be closed!  Expecting Freezing rain and sleet; not conducive for buses driving on our mountainous roads

Re-testing my Mental Stamina

I am re-experimenting with my mental stamina. I am sure you are surprised that I say, “I am re-testing my mental stamina!” Especially if you know me, since I am always testing oneself. After all, my running routines are always a mental test; going out for five miles, and coming back 20 miles later! Running in single digit temperatures, after a snowstorm and the hottest of summer. Even my family balancing acts are a mental test with the relations involved, the activities I engaged in, the people I am around and my commitment to super-excellence for my son [who, bless his soul!] sometimes I think I am demanding too much of him😘).

Anyway, this experiment, which is now a day old, going on two today is not exactly new in my life. Though it has been a while since I did and kept to it with perfection. That was when my child was a toddler, and I had more flexibility, and more support managing and caring for him. I did not have the daily routine of cooking, cleaning, bathing and caring for me. I had family to support (that time I lived in Uganda). I had people who really cared and supported me, and I could genuinely count on!

Right now, I am the father and mother and grandma and cousin. I am the unassisted and overwhelmed jack-of-all-trade! At a time when my geographical, economic and social spaces are completely weighing down my emotional, mental and physical stability. I am very good at shrugging off visible pains and agony in the public, trying not to hang personal linen out in the public.

For my own sanity, and to spare my son and my family’s name. I use mental health to dissuade myself from going crazy, bitter or tumble into a permanent wreck. I will go on a run to recover from a slump, to clear my mind and break anew. To remove myself from a situation or from peoples causing sadness and grief to me, and to feel good about myself. In sum, I run for fun, to feel wild, free, young, liberated and centered. I consciously avoid self-labeling as “depressed”, to avoid getting trapped into any such a situation. Yet, I cannot stop myself from self-labeling as, “flabby and nasty looking”, if that is how I feel, increasingly more and more.

I went through a]nother] life transformation last year, to live a life [again] for my son. Of course change is not always desirable or positive. Certain change is painful!, extremely painful! Particularly, one that causes loss of all safety-nets, and increases chances of dependence, vulnerability and shame. Story of my life. So, for the last year, I have transfigured, stuck in the mud and tasted lots of bitter tomatoes. All that packaged in a “nutty professor suit”, and increasingly weighing me down and under! I am trying to get myself out of the ditch, using my very best adornment – mental willpower. Hopefully, I will succeed in fighting off all the temptations.

Yesterday, Tuesday, October 28 was the first full day of the beginning of a re-experimenting on myself. Mission accomplished! I did not feel any special cravings or uncontrollable desires, surprisingly! And yes, I had to run my childcare shift: pick up from school bus, to Taekwon-do/Taekwondo class, then back home. I felt quite weak and tired throughout the day, but did not have the opportunity to take a nap. Yes! I also dosed off while typing up these notes, and fell asleep again in Taekwondo class. Good thing, I woke up in time to drive back home. Did good on that.

Homework had to be done, and dinner prepared. Too low on sugar, but mission accomplished. I literally could not stand anything or anyone. But drank water and stayed the course. Hopefully, this is doable for many more days! I wanna try 20, couple of many days. We’ll see how it goes. Otherwise, Day Two (Wednesday, October 29) is going  much better. I am still going on #Teamu20days challenge.