Trust me, I am a runner. I can run away from just about everything. I run away from people, to rejuvenate myself. I run in my thoughts to shut the world away. And I run to take care of my physical and mental health, nurture my soul. But, How Can I Run Away from Food? Why am I struggling?
Not that I am eating all the time. Perhaps I am, mentally. But I still have trouble throwing away left-over food. I am very good at ignoring eating and can avoid cooking. But that’s when life is all about me, a fantastic wish! My reality, before I became responsible for the well-being of another human, who deserves to be fed, and fed good meals. I am big on home-made food, and pack my child homemade lunch meals. Now, I have to wait until COM starts school to cut down on cooking or induced-eating.
I am not obliged to feed myself. Left to myself, I care less about preparing meals for myself. I survive perfectly on water and fruit, especially hot water. I may pick up couple of nuts, even though I should stay away from those “hip-hugging legumes.”! They are destroying me bad-slowly! Water is my life and companion, and tea. I binge on those two all day, all night.
But for Child OM (COM), I have to cook breakfast and dinner during the school year, plus lunch, when he is out of school in the summer. That’s when my food problems become gigantic. I am a social eater, I will eat because others are eating, not because I am really hungry. So, chances are, when I serve my child, I will serve myself a portion of what I made for dinner. My brain becomes too weak to convince my hands and mouth not to touch. Painful putting the food portions on my plate and into my mouth.
Worse, when COM does not eat all the food on the plate, he ‘gifts’ it to me, “Mommy, I do not want the food anymore, you can have it.” Like I am sitting around, excited to have it, right? When I am very terrified, but intimidated to say no, because I don’t wanna see food dumped in the trash, “when plenty of people around the world are starving.” Yes! I am eating for the entire world without food [bite me:)]! You should see my current body, looking like a fat jumpsuit.
I have my pregnancy and early postpartum weight. How do I know? I don’t need to step on the scale [fortunately I do not own one]; the fit of my clothes is enough to alarm me. How do I stop this weight from killing me softly, and pushing me out of my clothes that once fitted perfectly? How do I return to the body I so desire, when I am always caught up eating for two?
Now do dare jump ahead of yourself, about my “I am eating for two” remark. I am talking about eating my serving, and then eating COM’s left-overs, to avoid wasting food…blah blah blah…
But why do I have a problem with food? I am so active: I run and workout at the gym, doing both with all of my high. But whatever I work off comes right back unto me, with COM’s “food gifts”. I need to run away from food, until I learn to say. And I am starting right how….